It is 3:28 in the morning local time as I’m writing this. Sunrise is at 4:17 am, so it’s as dark outside as it gets during this time of year. I woke up at around 3 because of a bad dream. Even though it bore little resemblance to anything that actually happened, it was still terrifying.
In the dream I was a college student, and apparently living with my mother between semesters. I’d just spent the summer working as a camp counselor. The bus from the camp dropped everyone off in the parking lot of a local high school, where people were waiting to pick them up and take them home. My mother was supposed to be there. She never showed.
A custodian in the school let me inside and allowed me to use the phone. When my mother answered, she had a prepared speech ready. The kind you’d use for an intervention. She never explicitly stated what the perceived issue was, but I was no longer welcome in her home. I say perceived issue, because neither in the real world nor the dream was a drinker, a drug user, gay, or anything else that a (checks notes) fine Christian woman like my mother would find to be cause for kicking me out. Her prepared statement ended with the phone number of a shelter I could contact to ask for help.
Then I Woke Up
That was when I woke up. I was having a mild panic attack, so I got up and moved to the kitchen so I could center myself. I checked messages, caught a glimpse of some news, and saw that Federal troops were being dispatched to Albuquerque to deal with “the crime“. Now it should be noted that I’m not a huge fan of Albuquerque. I’ve joked that Breaking Bad sugar-coated things. But seriously. No riots, no protests, why Albuquerque?
During my last few years there I worked with the rising homeless population, and it seems reasonably certain that the masked, nameless “don’t call them secret” police are going to clash with them.
Most of the homeless people I knew had physical or mental health problems that led to them becoming unhoused. They couldn’t work, and either couldn’t get disability or it didn’t cover expenses. Some, but fewer than you’d think, had substance abuse problems. There were a lot of veterans (support our troops, my ass), women fleeing domestic violence situations, and folks that crossed that “one paycheck away from disaster” threshold that so many Americans live next to.
I Woke Up at Around 3 Because of a Bad Dream
So. It’s immigration status renewal time for Katie and I. This is obviously what’s going on in my dream. Fear that Finland will say “nope” and tell us to go back to where we came from. Then I woke up and saw what was happening where we came from, reminding me of why we left and why we want to stay where we are.
Mentally and emotionally, I am not in a good place right now.
I’m Watching the Sunrise
It’s now 4 am. I’m going to watch the sunrise, because I need the metaphor. The sun comes up, everything is going to be okay. A new day brings new hope. Technically I’m not watching the sunrise per se, because our windows face East and at this time of year the sun come up in the North-Northeast. That doesn’t matter. I need the metaphor.
The world’s a mess. More than ever I feel as if my destiny is in the hands of other people, their judgment of me, and their agendas. I can do what I can, where I am, with the spoons that I’ve got. Once it’s light outside I’m going back to bed for a couple of hours. Then I’m going to write, and work my ass off, and assert what little control I have over my own destiny to try to sway things in my favor.