My plans for the weekend include writing project plans, outlining the next several books, and watching the train wreck that will be Wrestlemania 36. The latter warrants its own post next week, after it’s over. On Friday I realized I was beginning to spiral. It was a mixture of anxiety and executive dysfunction. I need to drop back, center myself, and refocus.
The other day I talked about how having a stocked pantry makes me feel safe. When my executive dysfunction kicks into gear, cooking becomes “base”. Anxiety makes it difficult for me to organize my thoughts. I need to land, write things down in my bullet journal, and follow lists and routines. Otherwise, I will walk in circles, bouncing from one task to another, and not get much of anything done.
Cooking, and more recently baking, force me to focus. Follow the recipe. Carry out the step-by-step instructions. Pay attention so I don’t burn the place down. It calms me. I’m back in control. This is why I feel like I’ve gotten very little writing done, and I haven’t released anything this week, but I’ve got sandwich bread, banana muffins, chocolate cupcakes, kim chi, sauerkraut, cole slaw, and four jars of sourdough starter.
Writing this blog has had a similar effect. It’s allowed me to collect all of the random data and news stories about the pandemic and put them in some sort of order. As I see patterns, I can share what I see. I’ve been able to express my feelings about what’s happening in the world. That’s net good.
I Realized I Was Beginning to Spiral
I need to be working, though. I’m not beating myself up for taking time for self-care, because that’s what this is. We’re eating, I’m sharing. Somehow I need to mitigate this, and redirect my energies into doing the things that pay the rent. The New York Times ran an article encouraging people to stop trying to be productive with the newfound downtime. Some of us still have to work. What’s going on inside of our flats remains the same. It’s the world outside that’s changed.
That’s the part that I need to keep in mind. We don’t need to go out. There’s enough food to last us a good month or more, even if it gets down to eating lentils and rice. While the pandemic has affected us and will inevitably do so for months and years to come, right now, in this moment, I’m okay. I need to just worry about hitting my deadlines, and carry on as if nothing apocalyptic is happening.